old entry vis a vis new blog post

being a slut is indie. is hip. is cool. making out with girls, for the entertainment of pigs, is hip. is cool. selling yourself, not for money, but for attention is hip. is cool. where was i? i never got that memo. the one where you are required to stop having a soul by age 17. start having sex before you understand it, start having illicit sex before you even know what you're doing. reading cosmo for tips to keep him turned on! reading self to obsess over the bodies of people who spend their entire day in a gym, something you will never have the luxury of doing or need to do.

having boyfriends or girlfriends or both or several of both is hip. is cool. and not caring about anyone is the norm. not having conversations with anyone but those listed on your cell phone contacts is hip. is cool. i wonder what college was like before cell phones. i wonder what the world was like. i can't remember it. everyone is ALWAYS on the phone. ALWAYS. either their thumbs are about to fall off from text messaging overloads or their larynx is about to commit suicide from sustaining hours of verbal bile. they're probably talking to someone they don't care about. or someone they want to just have "fun" with. they're driving their suburbans with their bleach blonde streaks and large sunglasses on the phone. they talk so much. they say nothing.

i was not meant for this era. whenever i start to think about it, (think. remember what that means?) i become more convinced.

this gal

just got a job at wrgp, fiu radio. hell to the yes. i'm quite excited. i told my little sister, and she said "awesome!... how many jobs do you want?" i told her i was shooting for 5. that i want to make it impossible to fit anything else in my schedule. i was half-kidding. 



everything is so uncertain right now. my entire life feels like its up in the air. school. jobs. relationship. friends. family matters. its all so foggy. i hate growing up. no, i don't. i can't wait to be the person i want to be. this process is pretty freakin' painful though.

i forgot my login information

i know, i'm ridiculous. i got really discouraged by my own extreme procrastination, i wanted to post photos and create an extensive day-by-day photo blog of my trip to puerto rico. i took the darn photos, developed them, and just never got around to scanning them. go flor! whatever. as of late, my life has become an extensively boring blur of math homework, driving, and jobs. i really don't know what to do with myself. everyone consistently tells me to quit one of the jobs, but its really not that easy for me. i have a problem with saying "no" whenever the situation should call for help. granted, i am being paid for my help, but i feel like i'm a part of something. something useless, but something. the physical exhaustion shows in my face, i can't touch my toes, i can't tell one day from another, my mom yells at me for coming home late and being tired, and the boy is completely erratic. you know what? i think i'm going to take a whack at scanning those photos. 

Say what?!

I GOT THE JOB. I will be a library page for Miami-Dade Public Library Systems. At $10.63/ hr. starting pay.

HELL YES! Who's proud of herself?Me, that's who.

I hope it doesn't royally suck. I've no idea when the whole thing officially starts. Working for the county means you are like a CIA agent. They finger print you and a whole buncha other crap.

i've got butt, but i'm not a butler

he sleeps, i paint. it's the way of the world i'm afraid. my paintings are nearly something. not finished. but nearly something. self-portrait looks like someone, but not really me. i don't think anyone paints accurate self-portraits. ever. i just watched the savages for the second time. i like it quite a bit. it's depressing in a realistic way, not in a sad way, but in a very life-like way.
man, do i have a lot of painting left to do. i don't know if i'll be able to finish it in addition to that paper i have to write. aaah well. worked out today, legs. good girl. weighed myself (gained 2 lbs...), not so good girl. societal standards of perfection and beauty have made me a crazy person. that's what i get for watching america's next top model. thanks a lot, tyra. ooh! i bought a pack of permanent markers...yes!!! i'm excited to use them. maybe i can create something interesting with those. i have to open tomorrow, sucks the big one. paid a big chunk to one of my credit cards and i just paid the last of my spring term tuition. hot diggity damn. now i have to start saving for next semester. aidsfjasdfmklasdfsd. i hate da moneyz$Z$zz. evening, chaps.

I have some dirt on my shoulder, would you brush it off for me?

I will make an effort not to solely update this "blog" when I'm feeling stressed/angry/crazy. I think my livejournal depicts me as some sort of psychopath, so I've put all those entries to rest on the private setting. 

Anyway, today at the gym I re-discovered my profound love for Jay-Z. I may not fit the stereotypical jigga fan criteria, but boy, do I love him. The cleverness and blatant narcissism of his rhymes never fail to impress me. I mean, have you listened to "Moment of Clarity" off of his Black Album? Sheer genius. 

"I dumb down for my audience

And double my dollas

They criticize me for it

Yet they all yell "Holla"

If skills sold

Truth be told

I'd probably be

Lyrically

Talib Kweli"

Never gets old for me. I've been hitting the gym pretty rigorously for the past few weeks, a few too many mallorca sweet breads, toffee nut soy lattes, and old fashioned chocolate donuts have had me feeling overly jolly. I'm exhausted, I have butt loads of work to finish, I need to sign up for next semester, and I think I'm going to New York by myself for a few days. This excites me greatly. I feel like I'm moving forward, this semester had me really freaked out. I felt lost and scared. But I kick ass and take names (no seriously, I write them on cups all day), so things should be alright. I may even be getting a second job, one with considerably good pay. Here's hopin'.